When Being Chosen Becomes Louder Than Discernment

I’ve been sitting with this truth:

I was willing to settle because I wanted to be in a relationship.

It sounds simple, but it’s really the root of so many patterns I’ve had to unlearn.

This wasn’t just about romantic relationships. This was about friendships I outgrew but still clung to. Family dynamics I tolerated to avoid feeling like the “bad guy.” Professional connections I held onto because I thought they validated my worth.

The desire to be chosen is so strong when you’ve spent parts of your life feeling unseen. It can drown out your discernment—your inner knowing that whispers, This isn’t alignment. This is attachment.

I used to believe love was about staying, even when staying cost me my peace. I believed connection was about proving I was worthy of it, no matter the sacrifice.

But the truth is:

Settling isn’t love.

Proving isn’t connection.

Abandoning yourself to be chosen isn’t belonging.

It’s survival.

When I look back, I see the moments where my discernment spoke up—softly, but persistently. The red flags I tried to paint over. The gut feelings I ignored. The moments I felt unseen but convinced myself I was asking for too much.

Choosing yourself first will always feel radical when you’re used to making yourself smaller. But it’s the only way to build relationships that don’t require you to shrink to fit.

Today, I honor the version of me that was willing to settle because she didn’t know better. And I celebrate the version of me who is learning that I am worthy of alignment, not just attachment.

Reflection Questions:

Where has your desire to be chosen been louder than your discernment?

What relationships in your life feel like you have to prove your worth?

What would it look like to choose yourself first?

If you’re in your own season of unlearning, know this: You’re not alone. This work is tender, but it’s also transformational.

✨ You are allowed to choose yourself without explanation.